My Spiritual Journey
Abandonment, Hatred, Drugs, Violence & Homelessness
Read Time: Approx. 6 minutes
My parent's relationship was similar to many. He wanted sex and got it. She wanted love but got used instead. But they both got what neither wanted…me! After what is normally great party throwing news, my Father chose instead to abandon my mother and I after I was conceived. My mother responded by trying to abort me three times. When the "abortion cocktails” made her more sick than she’d ever been, she gave up trying.
So that’s how I got my start. I'm sure you've heard similar stories, but it’s my story nonetheless.
In 1965 it was taboo (to say the least) for a white woman to bear the child of a black man. As a result of my birth, my mother was rejected by her family. Due to the fact that my mother was 19 years old, penniless and had nowhere to go, I spent the first ten months of my life in Foster Care. And because life for my mother had been hard, abusive and without love, she passed on to me what had been passed on to her.
Growing up in the Bronx didn’t help much either. By the time I was in second grade, I was violently attacked by my mother's boyfriend, molested by two different women and had to fight for my life after a second grader tried to kill me with a hammer while in school. I also met my father for the first time. On our first outing, he took me to a double-feature rated X movie.
These events, along with so many others, severely darkened my heart. By the time I reached the 7th grade, my behavior was so bad both at home and at school that my mother sent me away to a boarding school for troubled youth without fathers. That’s where I started doing drugs and alcohol. I was there two years, but due to my “intolerable” behavior, I was told not to return.
Having no choice, I returned home to live with my mother. But because of my anger and hatred toward her, I was out on the streets and on my own before graduating from high school. Filled with anger, bitterness, hatred and self destruction, I was committing crimes, drinking and doing drugs. This lifestyle often left me homeless, having to sleep in laundry rooms, staircases, rooftops and anywhere else I could find to spend the night. After a few near death experiences and a life that was spinning totally out of control, I began to get this sense that death would soon find me.
That’s when I met Vince. He told me that God’s love had delivered him from heroin, a suicide attempt and a life of self-destruction. I immediately rejected him because the thought of God’s existence enraged me. “If there is a God,” I thought, “where the *!@%> has he been all my life and why didn’t he do anything to keep me from the *!@%> I had to live through?” I also had an extreme dislike for Christians. I had seen so many hypocrites and self righteous zealots that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Christianity! But Vince’s life helped me to see that in spite of the negative associations I had previously connected to Christianity, I had wrongfully concluded that all Christians were hypocrites and religious “nut jobs”.
In spite of the fact that I continually mocked Vince, his faith and cursed God to his face, he never once judged me, condemned me to hell or treated me unkind…like I expected him to. On the contrary, he was always faithful to express God’s love to me in different ways. One day it hit me, “wow, this is different!”
Time passed and the unconditional love that Vince had shown began to impact my life and soften my hard heart. As a result, I began to wonder if there really was a God. Was there life after death? I wanted to know if Vince’s God was the only God or one among many. Ultimately, I wanted to know if I could find the same life changing love, joy and peace that he had found. So I embarked upon my own spiritual journey. I read books, compared religions and asked everyone that would speak to me about what they believed… and why. I not only looked at the beliefs themselves, but I compared the foundations upon which they stood. My goal in doing all of this was to make a personal and educated decision about the Christian faith.
In the midst of doing all of this, I was hoping to find fault with the Bible because while I wanted to be free from all the darkness in my heart, I still wanted to live life on my terms and hold onto the drugs and partying that I loved and which so effectively numbed my pain. But the more I compared the Bible’s teachings and its foundation to other religions and philosophies, the more convinced I became that the Bible wasn’t full of myth but truth.
I also asked God to reveal himself to me. Over time and in ways that he knew would get my attention, God began to reveal himself to me. But it wasn’t until I took a step of faith, committing my life to Christ, that I experienced for myself God’s indescribable love! And I certainly did not know that his love could be experienced with increasing measure!
Prior to that time in my life, I had known what it felt like to love someone, but never to be loved! Once I experienced God’s love for myself, I was blown away! And all these years later, I still am. I now know that God isn’t some theological idea or a distant force, he’s real! His love is real and the hope, strength, comfort, joy and peace he offers is real. And God has restored my relationship with my mother who has also found and is being transformed by God’s love!
I’ve heard it said that Christianity is nothing but a crutch. I’m sure it is for some but to me it’s more like a wheelchair. I personally compare the Christian life to awakening in a hospital after a horrific car accident. Having been saved from the wreckage, there’s still a long and painful journey ahead on the road toward healing. And Jesus is like the doctor, physical therapist and psychiatrist that helps you to recover physically and emotionally.
Since turning the reins of my life over to Jesus in 1985, my life has been anything but a fairy tale. On the contrary! I’ve been judged, used, betrayed, rejected and racially discriminated against by numbers of people both Christian and non Christians.
But the hardest person I’ve had to deal with is me. It takes courage to admit, let alone face the demons in my closet. Allowing God into the deep and dark places of my heart has been far from easy and I’ve resisted God on way too many occasions. Knowing about God’s love is one thing, trusting him to keep on loving you after you expose your nakedness and filth seems impossible at times.
But God’s love has never failed. There is no dark place in me that I’ve exposed to him that has caused him to be disgusted with or ashamed of me. Not one time has he rejected me. Time and time again he washes away my filth with his liquid love. He calms my fears and he heals my wounded heart, gently, patiently and lovingly, one wound at a time. Like a friend, he is faithful to be there for me and to endure my failings. He encourages and strengthens me to take that next step in the journey when I don’t believe I can or have lost the will to do so. Like a father he leads and guides me through life’s pitfalls and into life’s greener pastures. Like a mother he is gentle, patient, kind and gracious.
As I share my story with you, I’m reminded of the hymn writer’s prayer, “O for a thousand tongues to sing my great redeemers praise, the glories of my God and king, the triumph of his grace.” God’s grace is amazing and his love is beyond any language’s ability to describe. I pray that somehow, the change he has made in my life will speak to and give hope your heart. Whoever you are and wherever you are, God is love and his love satisfies like nothing else and none other’s!
Check out this video (Journey Home To Love) to hear more stories
from people whose lives have been wonderfully transformed by God's healing love.